So many inputs, not enough kid

 Have you ever felt that your life is full of so many inputs - albeit good ones, there are just SO many people telling you what to do, what to think, how to live, how to behave, what is right, wrong, or what you should prefer. It can be overwhelming. How do you silence it, and how do you know what voices to listen to and which to ignore anyway?

Here's something else I've noticed lately - just like I sift through the weeds among the flowers before I put them in a vase, I have to sift through opinions before I choose to listen. If I am looking to find the color yellow, I'm going to find it. If I'm looking for something black and rusty, I'm sure I'll find that too. So I think it's fair to say that perhaps what I'm looking for is what I'm ultimately going to find more of.

Am I allowing others into my thoughts, to see the best of me? Am I sifting out the thoughts I want to dwell on and believe are healthy, or do I listen to all the advice and the millions of "professionals" that send advice my way?

All I know is my head is so full of advice, so full of the"right way to do things" and the best approach to pretty much anything. So...I'm looking for a friend to actually just have fun with. To laugh with, to not be in a hurry, to enjoy life a little more and be grouchy a little less, and to explore the beautiful world God made. I sound like a kid...but I am one. Why does anyone have to grow up anyway? Who made that a thing?

M

Meisner 2013 Highlight Reel

Let's take a quick walk down memory lane, shall we?

In January, we had little Truett, still such a baby, and with a pacifier? Wow, I can't believe it's the same year. Truly amazing.

In February, I remember lighting lanterns with Jonathan. I found out I had MS on Valentine's Day, and it was a hard week. Jonathan took me out to the lake, and we attached our prayers to two paper lanterns, and sent them up into the sky. It was a memory and a half. 

In April, we had the best Easter lunch with our new LifeGroup! The kids have all turned into great friends, and so have the adults! We love you guys, and Ava, Ruby, Henry, Koen, Kash, Jack, Graham, and ...Belle. :)

This year, our friends Evan and Candace had a beautiful baby boy, Cam, and I thought he was a girl for a good long while. :) He'll forgive me someday.

By May, Truett learned his animals, colors, shapes, numbers, and letters. He loves to read, and I love being his mom.

In the summer, Jonathan and I went to the Bahamas to celebrate our 6 year wedding anniversary. I'm in love with this man!

Truett and his best friends, Aiden and Koen. This picture is the only one framed in his room. :)

In October, there was Halloween, of course :)

This guy grew up.

What a great year. We thank God for every prayer, every friend, every hug, every laugh, every meal, and every smile. We have the best friends in our lives, and we are so very very blessed!

And please don't fail to watch Truett's Mixtape. You won't be disappointed with his killer 2 year old moves. :)

Father's Day

Any mothers of young kids out there struggling with what to do for the Father at your house on Father's Day? Why this stresses me, I have no idea. I know Jonathan would die if he knew it did, because he doesn't care as much about cutsie homemade handprints and that type of thing. He loves Truett to death, but all of this worry and work I'm putting into thinking of the perfect thing started to get to me. It's the part of me that wants him to feel so loved and appreciated that it's not even funny, so I tend to put ridiculous expectations on myself to deliver the perfect Pinteresty gift. Am I the only one? So, I paused. I decided to talk with Jonathan last night. It went something like this:

me: Hey, can I ask you something?

him: Sure, what's up.

me: Well, I know Father's Day is coming up, and I just wondered how you feel most loved. What I mean is, when you think about Father's Day in your mind, what do you expect the day to look like? What would be a perfect day to you? I can't promise that I'm going to do all of the things that you say, but I think it will help me to understand how you feel loved and appreciated as a dad. Does that make sense?

him: Michelle, that's very nice, but honestly, I just want time with my family. Uninterrupted quality time. You don't have to top something you did last year every time you know, or make me some cute gift. You can if you want, of course, but it's not expected. I just want to sleep in, and spend time with my favorite family. Does that sound ok?

And with a simple two-minute conversation, my stress plummeted to zero. Open communication my friends, open communication. No surprises ruined, no feelings hurt, no expectations unmet. This father's day may just be the best yet, even with no Pinterest project. :)

The Best Things in Life

I've been alive for 27 short years on planet earth, and the following is my short list of best things you should not risk failing to experience in this lifetime:

1. Jesus' relentless love
2. True love (mine came in the form of Jonathan Meisner!)
3. Sunshine
4. Fantastic Stories
5. Music that makes your heart sing
6. Chocolate cake
7. The love of a mother
8. White snow on Christmas morning
9. Green grass
10. The beach
11. Sitting by a campfire making smores
12. Best friends, and the photos you should definitely take to remember those best friends

You know what!? The best things in life really are free, or less than $5. ;)

When life takes a sharp turn.

He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.

John 3:30

Hmm, where do I even begin? Five or six months ago, I remember very vividly walking down the hallway of our house back to our room, and on the way, I prayed this prayer to God, "God, I know this sounds crazy, but I'm asking you now to give me a struggle. I am constantly battling to control my life, and I believe a real hardship would bring perspective, humility, trust, grace, strength, and beauty that I have yet to know, all because I am holding on too tightly to what I want. Am I crazy for asking? Maybe I am, and I'm pretty scared to ask you this, because what if you really send me something terrible? I have to push those thoughts aside though, God, and I know it, because the only way I have ever learned anything in my life up to this point wasn't always in the good times. Life-altering events usually happen in the midst of struggles, don't they? Will you give me a struggle and grow my faith to a place I've never known? And God, whatever way the struggle comes, if you even choose to send one, I need you to know in advance that I will thank you for it." And actually, as an answer to my very own prayer, on Valentine's Day of 2013, I was diagnosed with a chronic disease known as Multiple Sclerosis.

In September and October of last year, I had a long battle with vertigo. It all started randomly as I was driving to my first day of bootcamp. I had no idea why or when it came on, or if it was just the fact that it was 5am, but then it never went away. It knocked me over occasionally, made me crazy dizzy at times, and normal at others. My eyes were jumpy and I saw double. It was truly a very scary two months of my life. But, after seeing my doctor, a chiropractor, visiting an ENT doc, getting back clear MRI results, and through some prayer and time, it just went away on it's own. I was so thankful, and done asking questions! Maybe it was just a bizarre "loose rock in my ear" thing like the ENT said after all? Or was it.

In November, I went back to the doctor for stomach pain. Weird. My stomach had never hurt me so bad before, and it wasn't like food poising pain, it was like, someone socked me in the stomach but I must have been sleeping and missed it pain. I was prescribed some Prilosec for ulcers and sent on my way. I was starting to feel like a hypochondriac really. Was I out of my mind and making a big deal about little things? I didn't think so, but I was feeling a little that way. After all, I usually went to the doctor for the flu. This was a little different.

In December, I noticed that my left eye wasn't seeing vivid color anymore and hurt pretty bad. My brightest red shirt looked only a faint pink, so I went to an ophthalmologist which turned into a neuro-ophthalmologist, and he diagnosed it as optical neurosis. He also ordered another MRI, which I considered to seem quite silly, since, didn't I just get one? But, he was convinced it wasn't the right one, because it didn't show enough contrast, so he asked me to go back again for more detailed tests.

I put off the test. I didn't want to pay for it. I mean really, I'm 26 and I'm fine! My eye was back to normal anyway.

In January, my body started showing all kind of these red rashes on my skin occasionally, and I got really ill at a moments notice and had to lay down.  I couldn't pinpoint the cause of these feelings, but they would come and go randomly. Hmm.

In February, my left leg started to burn...like it was on fire. When my body got hot, like when I would blow-dry my hair in the mornings, the burn intensified and it felt like a torch was straight-up burning my flesh right off. It was torturous, and really bizarre.

That right there, I believe was the moment that I began to really wonder, ok really. What is going on? Apparently, in my first MRI scan back in September, the radiologist missed a few things, and thought the scan was clear. After the second MRI came back with multiple white spots on my brain called lesions, they rechecked the first scan and noticed that the enhancements were there to begin with, and had grown significantly in some spots, and a few smaller new ones had formed. My doctors called me on Valentine's Day (I mean really, I'm never going to forget that ya'll) to tell me that they were sorry, but that it looked like the only real and viable option for these symtoms was very likely to be an advanced form of multiple sclerosis. Talk about a shocker. And why did they use the word advanced? It scared me to death. I am 26, healthy, working out, a mom, a God-fearing girl who loves my family, and I always thought I was normal. I didn't feel normal that day, and it took me a good 24 hours to regain any sort of normal feeling, don't worry. :)

But, when I stopped to calm down, to push past the pain of "what ifs" and "maybes" I realized that there was something so much deeper that I had been actually been given. What if God planned for me to be more than normal? What if I was to leave a comfortable life to live an even better one, one of total and complete trust in God? Because really, that's all I had.

Could it be true? The doctors referred me to a neurologist who is now testing my body galore, which don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for. He wants to make certain that this is the correct diagnosis and all is as we think, and is currently treating me with strong steroids, that I have to admit, are intimidating to me considering I have to administer a drip to myself via IV in my own arm, and pull the dumb thing out after 3 days! I am NOT a nurse, and I do NOT do needles. But, I will learn, and God will help me. I take pills, and I pray. That's about it! I'm so thankful for the treatment, because my leg doesn't burn, my arm doesn't twitch, and the side effects don't exist for me like the doctor said (thanks to my husband's STRONG prayers), and mostly because...my God is bigger!

God never leaves us alone. When has he ever? If you know me, you know by now that this is not a terrible season in my life, or in Jonathan's. God has always provided for our family, and now is no different. And it's not just about me either. Jonathan has been diagnosed with simple partial seizures this past month, that hit him about 10-12 times daily. I've told Jonathan on more than one occasion, we must really be making Satan mad or he wouldn't be this persistent! We face trails of many kinds, and we are thankful, because through these trails God sends us hope each day. Lately God has been whispering to me.... "Michelle, I will provide." 

On days when I need hope, God is my hope. 
On days when I need love, or understanding, or laughter, God is that to me. 
On days when I need reassurance, and a reminder of trust, God send those things to me. 
On days when I need hugs, or kind words, God is there. 
On days when I'm feeling sorry for myself, or worrying (which I choose to battle with all my strength) about the future, God is my healer and my rescuer.

He doesn't judge me. He doesn't condemn my life. He cares deeply for me, and he already knows how this story is going to end. I don't have to waste time. Yes....WASTE time, wondering how next week is going to go, or the next day, because he's already gone before me and prepared my way! I need you to know and completely understand, that I am not sad, I'm not hopeless, and I'm certainly not confused. I am CHOOSING to completely and utterly live on God's promises, and that is the only place I choose to be. God's word says:

We not have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

2 Corinthians 4:7

All of this is for your benefit. And as God's grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory. That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but things we cannot see will last forever.

2 Corinthians 4:15-18

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 
Philippians 4:6

Can I get a hallelujah?

I appreciate each and every prayer for healing, even kind word, and every note, scripture, and song. I feel so very loved by so very many caring and adoring friends. Thank you for being Christ to me and to my family!

Michelle

Too much. Too much. Too much.

This child of ours is too much. He makes my heart overflow on a daily basis. 

He looks so sweet, doesn't he? Well...he is. 

Exhausted By Life

I woke up this morning to Truett screaming for the 3rd day in a row, and I'm still deciding what my attitude should be. I know it should be a no-brainer, but I have to contemplate these things on a daily basis. I pray a lot about what to do in hard situations like this. I call them hard. Some wouldn't, but I do.

I don't have 5 kids. I have one, and I still think it's hard sometimes. I don't like for my kid to cry, but I am okay with him being fussy and letting him learn to get over some things on his own. I don't pick him up every time he makes a noise because I want him to be able to play by himself. He shouldn't always need my undivided attention. It's called self-play, and it's a wonderful thing for him and for me.

Needless to say, no matter how hard I try to ignore the new constant crying thing he's got going on (and I do mean constant) and just treat him as I normally would, playing with him sometimes (still crying), picking him up sometimes (still crying), talking to him (still crying), singing (still crying), feeding him (still crying), and letting him sit and play on his own (still crying), it's just hard. What is going on?! I really do have a lot of patience, but I don't have the understanding, and oh how that frustrates me. People tell me, "It must be his teeth, oh he must be sick, oh he's tired, oh he's hungry, oh...." No, he's really not. He's fine, and I'm 99% sure of it, because I've seen him in all of those situations and I know that there is nothing wrong with him. He's not sick, tired, hungry, wet, or teething. He's mad about life today. He does have happy moments in between the tantrums, of course, and we'll even sit and read a book quietly together, but for the most part, it's just been hard.

This morning I sat on the edge of my bed holding Truett at 6am after about an hour of his tears. He still continued to cry, so I joined him.

I know some of you would say, "Oh Michelle, call me!" I sure would, but it is almost a catch 22, because although I could call people, it's nearly impossible in the midst of a crying fit that never ends. Although I could go visit people, Truett would puke all over their stuff. It's not a might. It's a "No, he will ruin your couch or your carpet." Although I could go somewhere, him missing a nap on a cranky day like this really is the end of the world to me and not worth the trip to anywhere, plus I'd have to change his clothes about 5 times like usual, and it's just not worth it in the end. They sound like excuses don't they? Yeah, I'm pretty sure they are. But they are realistic. I know myself, and I know it's not worth it to get out of the house too much with a super soaker wearing cranky pants.

Sometimes being a mom is harder than teaching a class of middle-schoolers. People never talk about the bad days. I mean, who advertises that stuff? But I just want to be honest about the ups AND downs of parenting. There are 20 wonderful days for every 5 hard ones.

Today is a hard one. That's where God is my strength, because he always answers me when I ask him to help me. Always. Every time. In the midst of the storms, I will praise him all the more, because that is when I am reminded how much I need him. This morning was the most worshipful moment of the entire week, and I praised God in the midst of Truett's crying fit, because he never left me and he told me just what to do. He is my wisdom and my strength.


So yes, I believe it's possible to be joyful and full of thanks while feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by life. I am thankful today for so much, including each crying moment, each changed outfit, each smile, book, hug, and nap. God is good, all the time.

Call me crazy, but I'd take 10 more kids.

Family Pictures

Thank you, Jonathan, for such a beautiful life.

Happy half birthday, little Truett.

I love my family. (Thanks Hillary for the beautiful pics) 

End of story. 

Mom Choices

So here's the thing, I believe there is a debate that's been going on for the last decade and will continue on for....well...maybe the eternity of the world.

I struggle with it every day.
I think about it.
I pray about it.

For all you moms out there, you'll recognize the thought, "Should I work or should I stay home with my kids?" It's a noble question and worth thinking about. I see both sides clearly. God gave me Truett. He is a precious gift. I love more than anything to spend time with him, take care of him, hug him, cuddle him when he's sick, and watch him grow. I LOVE him. Love. If I loved him anymore I'd just throw up. Seriously. He's that fun.

If I stayed home with him I'd get more time with him to do all of those fun things, and be there for him every day, all the time. I'd eventually teach him the alphabet, how read, all about manners, I'd take him to the pool, and I'd clean up a lot of his messes in the process. It seems glorious to wake up each morning and take care of a child and a house, and I'm sure it is...most of the time. I bet it'd also be hard to feel like you weren't allowed to spend money because you weren't working, that you never got dressed up or saw any of your friends because you were always at home cleaning up messes and making dinner, or on the days where temper tantrums reigned supreme. I bet that'd be hard too.

I also think of how I feel now, working. Each morning I drop Truett off to his wonderful class with two women that truly love him and his little friend Aiden. I feel guilty inside for leaving him, and try as I may to put him out of my mind, I still think about how much I miss him all throughout the day (Yes, Jonathan, I think of you too). I also think about how much I love my job. I love how I'm allowed to use my gifts and talents for the Lord, how I am learning and growing and developing into a better woman, mom, and friend by working with such wonderful people. I'm gaining more understanding, patience, and love from those around me. Sure, it's hard knowing that your kid is just upstairs and you have to finish that work by 5 and you're not sure you can squeeze in your whole to-do list in a single workday. Whew! It's hard. I forget half of everything I say I'll remember going out the door each morning, and half the time I don't have time for lunch. It's hard trying to stop and get groceries, run a "quick" errand, or even make a phone call, because I know the time I have with him is precious. I choose to make the most of my time with him, and away from him. So which option is best? Caring for my child first? Or caring for myself first so I can care for my child by being the best person I can be?

I don't think there is a decision that will ever be right for everyone. It's something that should be carefully considered, because children are a true gift from God, and each child is unique and special. But each mom is also unique, and women have different needs too. Working doesn't mean that I love my child less. It means that the time I spend with him is that much more focused, meaningful, and I give him the best me every single day. I'm the mom that will work hard to fulfill my goals and work with the gifts the Lord gave me each day, but I'll also drop them all when I go home to be with my husband and my kid each night. I so highly admire moms that stay home with their kids each day. The good, the bad, the naughty, the nice, the cute, the dirty, the cranky, the hilarious, and every other attitude in between. It's a real gift and it's not an easy job. There is something to be said for each side of the coin.

Today I'm on tales. Sure, I still debate every morning for a split second if I'm on the right side, but I know in my heart that I am exactly where the Lord has called me to be "for such a time as this" and I am honored to live out his plan, making the most of EVERY opportunity that comes my way. Life is too short to regret. I'm making the right choice, and God has and will continue to honor me because of it. Someday my circumstance might change, but for now, God is providing more than I ever imagined, so I would be foolish to leave such a  grand gift, and that doesn't make me a bad mom.

This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. Psalm 91:2 NLT

So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless. 1 Colossians 15:58 NLT

Happy Mother's Day (and Truett's video)

What a wonderful weekend it's been. So full of love and celebration! This morning I woke up to quite the day of surprises. I walked into the office to find this green computer screen (kill me cute), which led me to watch this video (which then melted my heart):

Also got some really sweet words:

 We went out for a family brunch at FirstWatch (I got some enormous chocolate chip pancakes), caught some church, watched a movie at home, Jonathan washed my car, I snuck in a 2 mile run, and we made some pizza with cauliflower crust for dinner (thanks to Holly McHargue). I'll have to post that recipe next. Wow, it's a winner for those of you that are feeling pretty adventurous! Much love to all you moms out there. Hope you had the most wonderful day with your family and your kiddos!

5 Year Anniversary

I feel blessed to be part of such a sweet family. My husband is better to me than I deserve. We haven't always gotten along this way, which makes me even more thankful for the ways that we've grown to show our love for each other, even in the small things.

For our anniversary this past Friday, we had planned on going to breakfast, but as the morning got started a little late, we opted for lunch instead and went to Cool Greens. Five years ago we may have chosen Subway or Jason's Deli for lunch, so our taste hasn't changed that much, right?
My parents were in town for my SIL Britani's graduation (woohoo Britani!) and so my mom watched Truett all day. I'm not sure who was happier--my mom or the baby. Either way, it was such a blessing.

My parents watched Truett for us all night too which allowed us to go on an overnight date. Jonathan picked me up and brought me some roses (that just happened to match my dress). He totally should have played it up, but he was just too honest to admit that it was on purpose. What a missed opportunity, right? :) He took me to this fun little Italian place called Stella (totally recommend). We did a little shopping after that and stopped by The Mantle to finish up with some of their Chocolate Gateau and coffee.  Sweet guy even rubbed my feet, told me how pretty I looked, and bought me some chocolates. :) Doesn't get any better than that, right?

What I thought about Motherhood

Five short months ago, I became a mother.

I thought it was going to be hard. Guess what? It is. But it's also worth it.

I thought Truett would look like a Dawson with big brown eyes, but as it turns out, he looks just like his handsome dad (bonus)!

I thought Truett was going to let me dress him cute every day. Turns out, he just spits up on everything I put him in and ruins his clothes before they ever get on his body.

I thought being a mother would require a little extra effort and a forfeit of some sleep. Turns out, that's kind of an understatement. :) It also requires a dirty house.

I thought being a mom would be so rewarding, and guess what? It really REALLY is.

I thought loving Jonathan was all that my heart could hold. I didn't know my heart.

I love being a mom. I. Love. Being. A. Mom.

It's the hardest job. It's the best job. And yes, I want to have 10 more kids!

Truett @ 4 Months

Crazy how time goes by. I just can't even believe how old Truett is. Wasn't I just struggling with pregnancy like...yesterday? :) Life is fun. I love my family!

Birthday Play-By-Play

My husband Jonathan takes the cake.

So when we first got married, it wasn't like birthdays were overlooked at our house, but to Jonathan it was that one day where you got to pick where you wanted to go out to eat and that was pretty much all. Now, if that's what you do at your house, that's awesome! I think whatever traditions you have with your loved ones are the right ones. BUT...to me growing up, birthdays were much like a queen-for-the-day ordeal (which took poor Jonathan off guard I think) filled with absolutely anything and everything that the birthday girl or guy loved. And let me tell you, the Dawson family did not hold back! This is one of those learning moments in marriage where your expectations in your mind don't come out quite right when the event approaches because you both didn't realize how different you were growing up. Anyway...Jonathan has since very much changed for me (which just shows how much he cares about loving me) because it's not necessary, yet he continues to try all the harder to make me happy each and every year (very much outdoing himself by the way).

So today, my sweet sweet guy went the extra mile, and I'm not lying in the slightest when I say it was the best birthday yet.

6:45- Jonathan made me funfetti breakfast pancakes (cake for breakfast you ask?!) YES! With frosting and sprinkles too! (If you knew healthy Jonathan, you would realize the love in those pancakes. He ATE some with me too!)

...and some presents (clothes and an awesome gold bracelet)

...and a hand drawn pic of course :)

7:00-Family nap. We were all tired.

10:00-Dropped Truett off at school and went out for some fun together.

10:30-Target. Got some new fun shoes and an apple to eat (feeling guilty about those pancakes I guess). The lady in the line behind me said, "Oh honey, I was laughing to myself because that explains why I'm short and fat and you're tall and thin. You're eating an apple while I'm buying a Snickers." Poor dear. I wish I would have thought to tell her what I had for breakfast!

11:30-Went to Musashi's for lunch only to realize that they're closed on Mondays. Bummertown! Oh well...plan B....Anthropologie (Jonathan was such a sport with the shopping today)! Check out these awesome measuring spoons in the shape of a milk bottle. So fun.

12:00-We went to Red Robin for lunch. Accidentally got their "spicy ketchup" and HELLO....consider it recommended. Go getcha some. That's stuff is seriously good!

1:00- Took a visit to Pier one to look around...and play with huge utensils.

1:30- Mall shopping. Okay okay, more like GAP shopping, but still, we both found a couple things, so that was like a mini vacation splurge. Went to a few more stores, laughed a lot, then went to pick up Truett.

4:00-Dropped by Jonathan's aunt and uncle's house to see his parents that were staying there and let them play with the little guy.

6:00 Spinach Salad for dinner made by my Chef husband (no, really. he shows me up like...every day).

7:00- LifeGroup came over for brownie sundaes (and Andrew, my brother came too!)

All in all, a really wonderful day! Thanks for all the nice text messages, emails, and phone calls. I have the worlds best family and friends! Much love to you all! And yes, I'm 26. Don't remind me that we're rounding to 30 now. You're only as old as you feel I hear. Going on 20 then, right?

And it still goes on. Does he really need to smother me this badly? No. But he does, and I do not take it for granted. I found a gem.