Friday, January 25, 2008


This woman, you must understand, looked absolutely ridiculous. She was 5'2" and was around the age of 60 as you could tell from her entirely full head of gray hair. To make it even better, she was wearing a clear "helmet" as I call them, that guards little old women's perms from the elements. Hers was no different. Heaven forbid her crown of glory become drenched in the pouring rain since white-haired princesses usually have their hair done only once a week. So what is so special about this woman?
Road rage.
She got a slight case of it when she was bumped by an careless car beside her. She got out of the car she was driving, not by the pull-over-and-come-to-a-complete-stop method, but the swerving-off-the-highway-almost-causing-a-ten-car-pileup method. She screeched her tires loudly, halting just shy of the traffic barrier.
She opened the door and out popped her two little slippered feet followed by the appearance of her short body in a pink fringed house robe--lovely attire for a cold winter's day.
My mind wandered immediately and I wondered where in the world she was going to go in that gown! She got out of the car and turned her back to open the back door of her four-door-piece of some unrecognizable car junk and grabbed two objects, but, from the angle of her bent over and extremely wide derriere, my view was blocked. As she began walking I noticed where the woman was headed as her eyes focused in on the black civic that had bumped her. Her jaw clenched as she made her way slowly up the median to where the car was parked.
I squinted to see if I could make out the objects, but as she neared I noticed what they were--an umbrella and a bible. She shuffled her feet trying to keep her white, well now brown, slippers on as she raised the umbrella above her plastic helmet and shouted a foul obscenity. Her presence was now captivating every driver on the roadway and traffic came to almost a complete halt as granny approached her annoying fellow citizen driver that had so provoked her rage. She crossed the white solid line on the roadway and shuffled herself to his driver-side door. The man was still inside the car, talking on his cell phone since the hit, but seeing this precious old woman, he gladly ended the conversation, opened his door and I assume, was intending to apologize for his bad driving, that was until...HIT!
"Ouch!" he yelped.
She whacked him over the head with her bible.
Whack! Hit!
"Ouch! Stop!" he said firmly.
She changed weapons and put her umbrella a few feet above her head for leverage and brought it down all the harder directly on the man's head at what appeared to be around 80mph.
"Take that you no good driver!"
She hit him again and again, and with each pop she seemed to gain strength and he cowered a bit more. The people on the side of the road began snapping pictures as the man cried for help. Unfortunately, no one could hear his cries for mercy above the roaring laughter. One gentlemen even hung up his phone with the police because he could no longer pronunciate his words or get enough oxygen to speak because of the uncontrollable laughter overtaking his gut. 
"Your momma would do da ezact same thang son. You jus need a good woopin'! It'd do ya some good to read this book!" She handed him the bible and he gladly accepted, realizing that the unnecessary torture would relent if he'd just comply with her request. 
The granny began to walk back to her car, denting his a few more times with her large umbrella on the way.

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