It's funny how God has totally taken my heart, shaken it up, and twisted out something new in these last few years. He broke my self-complex, but only so I could grow, give, love, and learn more. He was never trying to hurt me, make me miserable, or embarrass me. All those things happened, but only because I was holding back from the great gifts he was trying to give me. I wanted to change...but not all the way. I wanted to learn....but wanted to do things the old way. I wanted to give...but only a little. I wanted to love...but only if they loved me back. I wanted to forgive...but only if they saw my side. I wanted to like them...but they rubbed me the wrong way. See the problem with that? I had to first work through the pain of realizing I wasn't right all the time. It was hard, it took time, and it took wisdom from others. And oh yeah, it was worth it.
I was looking through these seriously dark rose-colored glasses. I saw things as I wanted to see them. I saw myself as I wanted to see myself. Once I took those off, admitted my faults, and started working at them, I found the opposite of my fears to be true. No one rejected me, I found more friends. No one thought I was ridiculous, they all wanted to help. No one judged me, the hugged me. I found life to be even sweeter and brighter, because I put God first.
God can do anything, you know--far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
I truly traded in my rags for riches. God forgave so much in me, and that's why I'm so thankful. I truly can't be quiet, because he forgave SO much. He loves even me? That's the thought that goes through my head each morning. I'm chosen? He loved me that much? After all that I've done? I remember, every day, how my life used to be, and the depths from which I've come, and then I thank him.
This verse describes my life:
Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven--for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.
I have so many reasons to rejoice and be glad, because God has restored my life! I will love much! So let me ask you, what then do I not have? God's love is everything. My cup overflows.