Sunday, June 14, 2009

Sorry for the delay or writing...not sure what happened there. Had a little reminder to write today and I'm back. :) So many things to say, so little time. I'll probably be posting a few short thoughts soon about random issues that I've been thinking about...

So I'm hoping to get out of my job. Many people know that I'm unhappy there. I feel that I've endured for a long time, but time is not slowing down and I'm getting older-- so I started looking for another one. I hope to hear about a job that I applied for tomorrow.  I'm hoping and praying there. Should find out tomorrow, which means, it could be a good day or...a day with interesting memories. Can't be a bad day completely because, well, God is in control, but I guess I can hope for what I want. I think--no, I know--that God gives us options, and well, I think he is in control, but he doesn't play humans like chess moves. He loves us and helps us and watches over us, but we have choices and dreams. Anyway, I'm hopeful.

Just got done reorganizing the office today and I felt inspired to write. It's been a long time since I've done that...too long, and I miss it. I love it. I feel motivated to write when everything feels good and in it's place. That hasn't been the case in my life for a long time, so maybe now it's beginning to feel like home. The desk is all cleared off and I had a few ideas, a few inspirations. 

Sometimes I feel so out of place in the world. I look around and I see so many "happy" people. I mean people that seem genuinely happy all of the time. I know that not every front people put on is real, but most are. You can't act ALL the time. So, I wonder. I know I'm not a depressed person, I'm not an overly spunky person, I'm not really even an outgoing person. I'm unusual uncategorized person. Weird. I wish I was more in control of some of the things that I do. Perhaps it has to do with my job. Perhaps it has to do with my friends or lack thereof, or of not being close to my family or enough encouragement in my life. Not sure, but I know I need something. The Lord gives me all that I need, but sometimes a little extra of the fun life experiences are nice. Not for sure what I'm trying to say, I just know that there is something, and I've got to figure out what it is. There's something I need to be doing--to be investing in. What is it? I'll pray about it, and when I need to know, I'll know. I have faith.

I'm the most fickle person I know. I was thinking about that today. Probably drives people around me nuts. Sounds like a bad things, and it is. I hate it. I hear it often from Jonathan or from my sister or from...lots of people. "Michelle, just make up your mind. Michelle, you didn't think that last week, why now? Michelle, you're bipolar." Well yes, then, I guess I am allergic to making decisions. I'll own up to it. I know that I am. I wish I wasn't. I want to make a decision and be glad that I made that decision 10 years from now. I want to be excited about a paint color without rethinking it 17 times. I want to say what I want for dinner before changing my mind on the way to the restaurant. I want to not change my outfit 10 times every morning. Is there a disease or something that could categorize me? so yeah. That's that.

1 comment:

LB said...

Praying for you. If it's any consolation, I have always seen YOU as one of those people who are constantly happy. Just remember that every little decision you make doesn't drastically change your life, and if your focus is on Christ, then you end up at the same destination whether it was a right turn, left turn, right turn or a left turn, right turn, left turn :)

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