Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Looking Back with God

So this past year. My goodness, let's talk about that, huh? God has blessed me in so many unbelievable ways, but has also challenged me beyond what I thought was my capacity. Beyond words, actions, thoughts, and everything in between. But that's the thing with God. One thing I'm sure of is that he may challenge you, he may allow hard circumstances, but he will never ever leave you, or leave you the same. Praise to him for that!

Where to begin? In January I was celebrating having the most adorable 1 year old. It's hard to try and remember how that was, actually, even though it was a short year ago. Truett was struggling with keeping food down, still spitting up a lot, and I was working on the Learning Team at LifeChurch.tv. In February, Jonathan was diagnosed with epilepsy and having simple partial seizures, which has since been taken care of with medication and really great doctors! That same week, I got some surprising MRI results with "white matter" appearing, and took multiple tests and saw several doctors before being diagnosed with MS in March. Can I just say, God is so good? It's all good, and life is hard sometimes, but you know what people don't hear about? The day to day. The little things. The quiet whispers in each and every moment. The little things that God provides. The small ways that he speaks to me daily, luring me back to himself. He is there, by my side at all times, encouraging me and loving me...winning me over with his love. There's not other way to put it. God hears all, sees all, and knows all, and this year has been all about trusting.

I have changed my diet drastically. It's not for fun, trust me. It's a non-fat, gluten free, non processed food diet. I'm not sure how else to put it. It's not always fun, but I know that someday will come when I will be thankful for every choice I ever made when I have more kids, a long healthy life, and when God proves his faithfulness to me when I'm healed 100%. Trust me, the day will come, and the Lord should be exalted in every way. All good things come from him. ALL good things, and in my little mind, my small life is important to me, and I'm important to God, but I seriously am the smallest little thread in this grand tapestry that he is weaving, and I'm thankful to be the best Michelle I can be! That doesn't mean I have perfect health, it doesn't mean I never make mistakes, and it doesn't mean I'm a perfect mother.

It means I have trust in the Lord more than my feelings.
It means I know who I am and not just what I do every day.
It means I choose to believe that I am special and significant, and the smallest menial tasks matter to God.
It means that I am not good, but since God is, he has forgiven me and sees me as good anyway. (Can I get an amen?)

Ironic then, that at the end of this 2013, I have been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks. I hate to admit it, but then again, I don't. I'm real, I'm authentic, and I refuse to hide any part of my life. Cause guess what? I'm willing to bet there are at least 5 other people out there that are reading this blog, wondering if they're the only ones. And you're not. God is doing a work in me right now, just like I believe he can and will do a good work in you! In 2014, I will not be shaken. He holds my hand and he is right beside me. I refuse to take medication for panic, because I know that God hears me and he cares. The reality that shakes my physical body is sometimes linked to my mental state, and I simply have begun putting myself through a spiritual bootcamp. If I am weak, he will make me strong. When I am not good enough, he will restore my thoughts and my spirit. He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love....and of a sound mind. I have always been a stubborn person, and I don't apologize for it. I'm strong in whatever I set my mind to, and I'm setting my mind to this. God can and will restore my thoughts, my life, and he will use me in remarkable ways for his glory!

In 2014, God will be glorified through me, I will have discipline in every aspect of my life, and I will, I will, I will...enjoy the ride.

It's going to be a good year at this house, you can count on it!

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7


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